My Journey of Truth

When I was 10 years old I began to develop severe acne. By 6^th grade it consumed my thoughts and life, making me not want to go to school, not want to go to swim parties, or ever be seen without makeup on. After a long process of trial and error through going to the dermatologist and being put on every topical and oral medicine for acne, my doctor decided to put me on isotretinoin (better known as Accutane), which was guaranteed to cure my acne. My doctor told me I was the youngest patient with the most severe case of acne he or his colleagues had ever seen (that sure makes a 6^th grader feel good about themselves). This whole process of being the only one of my friends to have acne, having to skip school to get my blood drawn and go to doctor’s appointments every month for the medicine, and having to wait patiently for months for the medicine to kick in started to get the best of me and sprouted a lot of insecurities in me. The medicine did eventually work, and I was told once I completed the 6-month course my acne would be gone for life and the most I would need is one more round in 3 years or so, but even that would be unlikely.... Well here I am.. on my 4^th round of Accutane as a 19-year-old. When I started this recent round in January, I was at a very low place in my life because I was letting what I saw in the mirror define me and effect the way I viewed myself and interacted with others. I would leave my doctor’s appointments with tears in my eyes because of how unbeautiful I felt, and my mood throughout the day was contingent on how I believed my face looked that day. Looking back, I realized that over the past 9 years the happiest times of my life were toward the end of my rounds of Accutane when my face was clearing up, and some of the saddest times I can remember were when my face was filled with blemishes, and I dreaded even looking at myself in the mirror.

For 9 critical years of my life I had been believing a lie. A scary and twisted lie from Satan that I am not beautiful and not worthy. I knew what the scriptures said about my beauty and how fearfully and wonderfully made I am, but I wasn’t choosing to believe it for myself. I don’t think it was any coincidence that the week I started my 4^th round of Accutane (a very low point for me) I also became Chaplain for just a few weeks for our new pledge class (something very out of my comfort zone). I felt the Lord wanted me to talk to the group about the lies we all believe from the enemy, and through preparing what I was going to say, the Lord revealed to me the lie I had been believing for years. I was able to confess this and say it out loud for the first time while giving my short devotional, and this, along with talking to my mentor and friends about it, started a process of discovery and healing for me. The Lord began turning my eyes away from myself and toward Him and what His Word has to say about me—that as cliché as it may sound, our beauty is solely from the inside. The things of this world are so fleeting and can be taken from us any moment, but our souls will live on forever.

         

            1 Samuel 16:7- "But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Do not look on his appearance or the height of his stature because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart."
            1 Peter 3:3-4- “Do not let your adorning be external--the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear--but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”

            1 Timothy 4:8- “For while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come.”

^^These verses have been and currently are my anthem for this season of my life. After showing me those, the Lord convicted me about how much time I spend worrying about my outer beauty, when my heart is what counts and what will live on forever. I am so thankful that I serve a God who extends beyond the things of this world that I so often get wrapped up in.

 
The enemy wants to make us feel alone, but through being vulnerable and taking down the front we try so hard to put up, we will quickly see that we are not alone in whatever we’re walking through. Whatever lie you are believing or whatever season you’re walking through in life right now, I promise you aren’t alone. Allow yourself to become vulnerable with yourself, the Lord, and others. Search for the truth about what the Lord says about you and speak that over yourself. Even if you don’t believe the truth at first (I didn’t until recently), you are hearing it by speaking it, which means the enemy is too, and the truth will triumph over the lies.

As for my journey--my acne is still not completely cleared up, but I am learning to be secure in the Lord and to focus my time on becoming beautiful where it most matters—my heart.